Bionic Granny (Commodore 64) - Mastertronic - 1984

Hailed as one of the WORST games of all time for the Commodore 64, Bionic Granny was one of Mastertronics 199 Range games.  It was ranked #3 in the top 100 worst games for the Commodore 64 at Lemon 64.  The plot of this budget title is pure awesome.  You are The Bionic Granny and you are waiting by the town school for the kids to get out.  Why you ask?  SO YOU CAN WHACK THEM!  Yep.  That's correct, you are a psychotic Bionic Granny waiting for kids to get out so you can hit them.  Oh yeah, and there's "The Lollipop Lady" who will throw lollipops at you as you try to whack the kids.  A Lollipop Lady, in case you are wondering, is the equivalent of a school crossing guard.  If you get hit with one of her lollipops then you lose a life. 

Make no mistake, this game is HORRIBLE.  Absolutely, positively HORRIBLE!  Which begs the question:  Why then, do I love to play this game and others like it?  Why, when I have current gen consoles, do I spend my time playing horrible 8-bit games from almost 30 years ago?  Is it nostalgia?  Self loathing?  A refusal to leave the past?   Well, probably yes to all three questions.....but there's something more to it.  I find a certain charm in these types of games. 

I used to like to make up short stories about games when I was a kid.  I never shared them with anyone, and I don't know if I even ever really wrote them down....for every game that I had, there was an awesome (in my young mind) story to go along with it. 

If memory serves correctly:

The Bionic Granny was a nice old lady who fell into a woodchipper after being chased by a neighborhood dog that belonged to some school kids.  The woodchipper belonged to the neighborhood mad scientist (cause ya know, ALL neighborhoods have a mad scientist!) and he found her and gave her bionic parts and fixed her up.  Now Granny was mad and going for revenge on all school kids for what happened to her. 

So I guess she was kinda like a geriatric Freddy Kreuger.....only she wasn't dead....and she didn't get the kids in their dreams.....and she was Bionic. 

Anyway....the game play is pretty stiff in this game.  Most characters have about two frames worth of animation and the graphics are quite poor even by C64 standards.  Also the dimensions are pretty off for the game.  The school is the same size as a field, which is the same size as a basketball court.  All the trees are about the same size...or SMALLER in some cases.  Size of foliage and buildings not witthstanding, the screen is pretty simply laid out as well.  There's really not much in the way of strategy needed.  Just go after them kids and WHACK 'EM! 

There is only one tune that plays throughout the game.  I single note tune that is pretty catchy.....for the first minute.  Then it becomes a bit on the tedious side.....but that's why God created the Boom Box!  I enjoy whacking children to the soothing sounds of some classic Bon Jovi and Def Leppard.  My wife tells me that there's something not right about pretending to be an elderly woman hitting children while listening to Pour Some Sugar On Me.  I don't know what she's talking about......

So if you are a sick twisted monkey like me and you have a high tolerance for bad games, there are worse things that you could do than play a few rounds of Bionic Granny.....if for no other reason than just to be able to say:

"Yeah man, I've played Bionic Granny!"

Of course approximately 4 people in the entire universe will actually know what your talking about...

Rygar - NES

It was a sunny afternoon in late summer when I rented Rygar for the first time.  There was just something about the box art that appealed to me. I had no idea about the Diskarmor at this point, so I had no clue as to what exactly the fiery object on his arm was.  But he was leaping over some kinda monster and fighting off some other winged creatures and that was good enough for me!

I brought the game home expecting more of a beat 'em up type of deal and was actually a bit put off by the fact that it wasn't a straight side to side scroller.  See, the instruction book was missing (as usual) so I wasn't entirely sure what the heck I was supposed to do.  Luckily, I just happened to have a book that covered the game.  I THINK it was Jeff Rovin's How To Win At Nintendo Games....but I dont' have the book anymore and I can't seem to find a list of the contents of that book....so if anyone out there can help me out with that, it would be much appreciated!

Anywhoo....after finally figuring out (well, not really figuring out.....reading) what I had to do, I gave it another go and really started to enjoy the game.  It was reminded me of a cross between Castlevania II: Simon's Quest and Karnov.  Why?  I don't know....but that's what the gameplay always reminded me of. 

In the game, you are Rygar (obviously) and you must protect your kingdom of Argool from the evil King Ligar.  Interesting side note....there is not distinction between "L" and "R" in the Japanese language.....sooo.......Rygar/Ligar....hhhhmmmm.   Anywhoo, you must level up and collect items from five Indora Gods.  Only then can Rygar ascend up to Ligar's flying castle and defeat the evil King.  Cool, eh?

I never beat the game when I was a kid, but thanks to NES emulators of today and websites like Retro Uprising, I'm going to give it another go.    The original arcade version has been released to the Wii's Virtual Console, but not the NES version.

Classic Mega Man Series Box Art

One of my all time favorite video game series is Mega Man.  I bought the original game at The Electronics Boutique with some birthday money I had received.  I had already rented and played Mega Man 2 and I was itching to try out the original and I wasn't disappointed.  

I thought I'd take a few moments and give tribute to the Blue Bomber's classic series.  A look at the evolution of the classic series.....and the evolution of the box art for the games.  For better or worse, these pieces of video game art give me the warm fuzzies all over.  Let's dive in!

Ah, the original Mega Man.  There's quite a difference between the American and European releases of the Blue Bombers first outing against the forces of Dr. Wily's evil Robot Masters.  I'm a pretty nostalgic kinda guy so the American release that I grew up up with is

near and dear to my heart.....but the European art is friggin awesome!  In the American release, Mega Man looks like an old guy with a mustache....with a crooked helmet.  He looks like he means business though!  Then there's the European version with a younger looking Mega Man and Dr. Wily is really looking like a mad scientist.

Mega Man 2 was actually the first Mega Man game that I ever played.  I rented this bad monkey from Video Paradise back in the day.  Alot of people say that the artwork for the first two games is terrible, but I'll tell you what....my twelve year old mind was blown away by the cover of this game.  Though I did ofter wonder in my adult years why it is that Dr. Light is apparently hiding behind Crash Man.  It doesn't really seem as though he's being held prisoner.....but more looking for protection as he witnesses Mega Man and Quick Man battle it out.  The European cover art is just plain bizarre.  Mega Man is all chromed out and looks like an extra from an 80's Human League music video.  It almost reminds me of the artwork for Atari 2600 games or maybe even Commodore 64. 

Mega Man 3 is where they started to use the more robotic looking Mega Man on the American box artwork.  The artwork always sorta bugged me on this one.  It's pretty clear that Mega Man is blasting Spark Man here....but Spark Man is looking pretty generic.  Apparently this was before Wily gave him his orange paint job.  Speaking of which....why in the hell is  Top Man green?  I'm sure that it's probably due to the fact that the artwork was created before the finished game...and perhaps while still in prototype stage, Top Man was green....but somehow it bugs me.  The European art is quite interesting on this one as well.  Mega Man takes on more of his (now) familiar anime style as well as the floating heads of the robot masters he must face.  But then there's a less cartoony Dr Wily looking pretty damn freaked out.  The hair standing on end cracks me the hell up too. 

Mega Man 4 is another cover that looks pretty cool, but when you actually stop and think about what you are looking at you start to really question what the hell they were thinking about when creating the cover art. 
Here we see Mega Man, either jumping in the air, or sliding down a hill.....in the background we see an onion domed castle with a GINORMOUS Pharoah Man firing his Pharoah Shot apparently at random.  Why do I say he's GINORMOUS, you ask?  Well, he is standing on top of the giant onion dome of a castle.  Judging by the picture I would have to say that Pharoah Man is rought the size of King Kong or Godzilla in this particular piece of art.  Why is he standing on a Russian looking building?  Well that's because we initially think that the villian behind Mega Man's headaches is Dr. Cossack.  Turns out Wily was forcing him to do his bidding by kidnapping his daughter.  The European version is essentially the same, with the purple Capcom border missing....and a slightly different expression on Mega Man's face.  His look in the European version looks a bit more like a determined  resolve to defeat Wily......while the American artwork has him making a face like a kid who's up to no good.  I should know....I was constantly up to no good as a kid!

Mega Man 5.  Alot of people say that this is their least favorite Mega Man game. 
The game itself is great...just like all the other games in the series, but I think that the artwork here is probably my least favorite of the original NES titles.  No particular reason.....it just.....feels off to me.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  Maybe it's because Mega Man is making an odd face.....which could be due to the fact that apparently he's absorbing an energy shot from Gravity Man.  Huh.  I dunno.  Weird.  Proto Man is also in the background firing down upon Mega Man.  This is the second game to have the ol' switcharoo....where you think that you're facing a new arch enemy, but in fact it turns out that Dr. Wily was running the show all along.  Surprise, surprise. 

Mega Man 6 was the last of the original NES games.  Some of the Robot Masters were a bit silly in this game, but it's still a fun one.  The cool thing about the cover art for Mega Man 6 is that it features Knight Man and Wind Man, which are the two Robot Masters that were designed by North American fans in a contest run by Nintendo Power.  The other six Masters were created by Japanese fans....which was nothing new.....there had been several contests to create a new Robot Master in Japan for several of the sequels....but this was the first time that a contest was run in North American.  Out of  more than 200,000 entries, only 8 were selected.  That's a lot of Robot Masters!

Mega Man 7 was the first and only of the "Classic" Mega Man games to appear on the Super Nintendo (The Mega Man X series was the 16 bit systems focus in the series).   The box art is so-so....nothing really ever jumped out and grabbed me about the artwork.  The background is pretty much monochromatic aside from Dr. Wily and a few assorted mechanical baddies.  Mega Man does look pretty cool though in this one!

Mega Man 8.    Worst.     Cover Art.      Ever.      Period. 

Mega Man 9.  The return of classic Mega man in all his 8-bit glory.  Released as a downloadable game on e VC, PSN and XBLA, this artwork is a return to the humanistic look of Mega Man.  What's insanely awesome is Dr. Wily's new look!  It's like a Darth Vader meets Shredder from TMNT topped off with the obligatory mad scientist look (which of course, he is!).  Mega Man is looking like he hit the robot gym and is charging up the Mega Buster for some action.  I like how in addtion to his Mega Buster, he's also holding a laser gun.  Dig that crazy robot with the buzz saw hands running after him too! 

Mega Man 10 came out in 2010, which could be considred 20XX by Mega Man standards, which is pretty awesome!  Anywhoo.  The artwork to Mega Man 10 is just as awesome as the Mega Man 9 artwork.  This one reminds me a lot of the original Star Wars poster....in this case Mega Man taking Luke Skywalkers pose and Proto Man taking the Princess Leah pose....only he's not clinging ot Mega Man.  Because that would be weird.  I had always thought that Mega Man would make an awesome movie when I was a kid.  20 years later, I STILL think it would make an awesome film and the posters for parts 9 and 10 absolutely prove it!  With the special effects being what they are today, I think that a Mega Man movie is long over due.....and I want Wily to look like he does in the Mega Man 9 poster! 

Well, that's it so far for the classic Mega Man games.  I truly hope that Capcom will bring the Blue Bomber back for more downloadable adventures.....because quite frankly, I never want this series to end.  I don't even care how silly the Robot Masters get, I'll still play.  Some said that Sheep Man was ridiculous....I say BAAAA!  No more ridiculous than Snake Man, Toad Man, or Centaur Man!  I thought they were all pretty cool.....and hey.....they were invented by a mad scientist!  What do you expect?  Dr. Wiley has had  his ass handed to him 10 times thus far and still hasn't given up yet.  I've got a feeling that Wily has got more tricks up his sleeves.  I can't wait to see what new Robot Masters the future holds for fans!

PS:  Capcom, if you're reading this....please, please, PLEASE....I wanna see Cthulhu Man!  Now THAT would be a fierce Robot Master!  SHYEAH!



Monster Party - NES

Monster Party was (in 1989) the most awesome video game I had ever played in my life.  Period.  Not only did you get to periodically turn into a monster by consuming a giant pill, but you were fighting your way through 8 stages of monster mayhem through The Dark World....each with several bosses along the way.  After completing all 8 stages you face off against the Dark World Master.

The cover of this game is awesome...we've got Dracula, The Gill-man, Medusa, Some kinda Red Bigfoot/Troll Monster, A Giant Venus Flytrap and a knock off of H.R. Geiger's Alien.  Wowwee!  What a collection of monsters!  The only monsters that actually appear IN the game are Medusa (who is actually a giant snake with snake hair) and the Venus Flytrap monster...which looks nothing like the vicious carnivore on the cover.....it's pink and it shoots bubbles at you. 

In the game you control Mark...a kid who is visited by a monster named Bert who begs him for his help to save his home, Dark World from the monsters running rampant.  Bert tells Mark that his "weapon" will be useful in the fight against the monsters.  Mark's "weapon" being the baseball bat that he's carrying.  See, he was on  his way home from a baseball game when Bert confronted him.  Before ya know it, Bert uses some kind of alien gargoyle magic and fuses himself together with Mark.  During play, when you consume a giant pill that looks like a colored Tylenol, you will transform into Bert for a short time. 

As Mark, you swing your baseball bat to either strike enemies or to deflect their projectiles back at them.  As Bert you shoot, laser bullet things......and you can fly....which is awesome.  The problem is that the two characters are on two different ends of the spectrum when it comes to difficulty.  Mark is a pain in the ass to use sometimes....especially when there are multiple projectiles coming at you.  Bert on the other hand almost makes the game too easy......so I suppose that sort of balances it out.....except for the fact that it often seems like Bert is nowhere to be found when you need him the most.



Fried Shrimp Attack!



Monster Party, or Parodi Warudo Monsutā Pātī as it's known in Japan, is truly one of the strangest games for the NES....and that's saying a lot when you look at titles such as Zombie Nation, Kabuki Quantum Fighter and Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom.  But when you get right down too it, everything about this game is simply bizarre.  Where else can you fight a giant cat in a crate?  The damn thing actually chucks kittens at you and you have to whack them back at it to damage it!  That's demented!  Or how about the Cow Man/Minotaur that attacks you by firing little cows at you?  Or the best yet.....when you are confronted by a triple threat boss that consistes of a giant piece of fried shrimp, and onion ring and some other piece of fried food on a toothpick (!?) that bounce around the room and you must destroy them.  There is an evil looking machine that sorta kinda looks like the teleporters from David Cronenberg's 1986 redux of The Fly in the background.  This is truly whacked!

So......much.....blood!

Something that is also really interesting to note, is the fact that there is alot of 8-bit blood on display in this game.  This is pretty interesting considering Nintendo's stance on video game cencorship in the late 1980's.  You can quite easily find this cartridge on E-bay, Amazon and probably at any local video game store that deals in retro games.  Or even easier, you can play it on an emulator or at Retro Uprising. 

You've really gotta play this game to believe all the weirdness that abounds in it. 

The Alligator People 2600

As you know, if you read The Wizard of Vestron blog, I am a huge B-Movie freak.  You may have also surmised that I am also a B-Game freak as well as retro game aficionado....so when I first heard about an Atari 2600 game based off of the 1959 sci-fi/horror flick The Alligator People, I had to track it down.  Much searching on E-Bay and Amazon.com sadly came up empty.  However, after discovering the ultra-awesome website Retro Uprising, I was finally able to play an emulated version of the game.....and I was quite pleasantly surprised by what I found.

In the game you are taking the role of Jane Marvin....which is represented by a syringe.  Six of your friends and colleagues, including her husband Paul Webster (I would assume), have been infected with a serum that will turn them all into alligator people.  Jane must roam the swamp in search of the antidote that will save her companions.  The clock is ticking though and you don't have much time because your companions are transmuting into alligators and once the transformation of all six is complete, it is game over.  

Getting the antidote isn't exactly easy, either.  The swamp is represented by constantly moving walls, which create a sort of ever changing maze....with passageways appearing and disappearing.  Get blocked and you will be crushed to death.  As if this isn't bad enough, there are also alligators after you trying to stop you.  It's a pretty fun game and I found the game play to be quite addictive.

So how come you haven't heard of the game before?  How come you don't remember seeing it in stores?  Well, the answer is quite simple.  20th Century Fox was developing the game in 1983, but it never got past the prototype stage.  It wasn't until about 2002 that the actual prototype cartridge was found by a collector...however there had been whispers of it for years before.  In the 90's, one fellow found a cartridge labeled as The Alligator People, but as it turns out the game in his possession was actually a prototype for another game that never saw the light of day.....Planet of the Apes!