Bionic Granny (Commodore 64) - Mastertronic - 1984

Hailed as one of the WORST games of all time for the Commodore 64, Bionic Granny was one of Mastertronics 199 Range games.  It was ranked #3 in the top 100 worst games for the Commodore 64 at Lemon 64.  The plot of this budget title is pure awesome.  You are The Bionic Granny and you are waiting by the town school for the kids to get out.  Why you ask?  SO YOU CAN WHACK THEM!  Yep.  That's correct, you are a psychotic Bionic Granny waiting for kids to get out so you can hit them.  Oh yeah, and there's "The Lollipop Lady" who will throw lollipops at you as you try to whack the kids.  A Lollipop Lady, in case you are wondering, is the equivalent of a school crossing guard.  If you get hit with one of her lollipops then you lose a life. 

Make no mistake, this game is HORRIBLE.  Absolutely, positively HORRIBLE!  Which begs the question:  Why then, do I love to play this game and others like it?  Why, when I have current gen consoles, do I spend my time playing horrible 8-bit games from almost 30 years ago?  Is it nostalgia?  Self loathing?  A refusal to leave the past?   Well, probably yes to all three questions.....but there's something more to it.  I find a certain charm in these types of games. 

I used to like to make up short stories about games when I was a kid.  I never shared them with anyone, and I don't know if I even ever really wrote them down....for every game that I had, there was an awesome (in my young mind) story to go along with it. 

If memory serves correctly:

The Bionic Granny was a nice old lady who fell into a woodchipper after being chased by a neighborhood dog that belonged to some school kids.  The woodchipper belonged to the neighborhood mad scientist (cause ya know, ALL neighborhoods have a mad scientist!) and he found her and gave her bionic parts and fixed her up.  Now Granny was mad and going for revenge on all school kids for what happened to her. 

So I guess she was kinda like a geriatric Freddy Kreuger.....only she wasn't dead....and she didn't get the kids in their dreams.....and she was Bionic. 

Anyway....the game play is pretty stiff in this game.  Most characters have about two frames worth of animation and the graphics are quite poor even by C64 standards.  Also the dimensions are pretty off for the game.  The school is the same size as a field, which is the same size as a basketball court.  All the trees are about the same size...or SMALLER in some cases.  Size of foliage and buildings not witthstanding, the screen is pretty simply laid out as well.  There's really not much in the way of strategy needed.  Just go after them kids and WHACK 'EM! 

There is only one tune that plays throughout the game.  I single note tune that is pretty catchy.....for the first minute.  Then it becomes a bit on the tedious side.....but that's why God created the Boom Box!  I enjoy whacking children to the soothing sounds of some classic Bon Jovi and Def Leppard.  My wife tells me that there's something not right about pretending to be an elderly woman hitting children while listening to Pour Some Sugar On Me.  I don't know what she's talking about......

So if you are a sick twisted monkey like me and you have a high tolerance for bad games, there are worse things that you could do than play a few rounds of Bionic Granny.....if for no other reason than just to be able to say:

"Yeah man, I've played Bionic Granny!"

Of course approximately 4 people in the entire universe will actually know what your talking about...